Yup~ this is me

as i write this entry, i feel really tired.. not physically but mentally.. really~! sometimes uninviting headaches playing in my head.. to certain ppl.. here is my message..

It's not that i dont want to contact u guys.. but my life rite now really straining me doing so.. wake up at 6.30am.. subuh, then tidy up my room and after that have a shower.. then 830am start my journey to office (by taxi) reach office normally at 930am.. then start working.. with the workload n boss normally goes back a bit late ;))) dinner at 7pm.. after that continue work for a bit.. 8pm out to catch taxi for my journey to go home.. normally reach home 9-10pm.. yes~! this is my life..

i'm not that lucky to start everything from above 0.. yup~! i start from -ve.. i wont say believe me, but.. nah i dont know.. i still have my belief.. n i'm still conscious about it.. really, i wont say believe me, but one day i'll continue my journey.. yes, it's not easy here.. i'm struggling here.. pls dont say things like i dont want to be friend with u.. it hurts me as much as i have no one to confide about this rite now..

pls, all i ask is be usnuzon wif me.. n trust me, it wont hurt even a bit on ur side..
thnx for everything~! really, very2 much.. n really2 luv ya all~!

Apa maksud kejadian aneh??

Seperti biasa.. rutin harian saya, baca paper psl berita hari ni.. dah tiba2 hati saya terasa serba tak kena bila baca berita ini... saya pernah merasa makan sepinggan.. hati teringin sangat mencium pipi dan dahi mama n papa.. adakah bila saya berbuat demikian (mungkin buat dlm mase sehari kot duhh~!) maka lepas ni saya akan mendapat kemalangan... sedih saya tgk n mendgr persepsi silap manusia skrg.. makan sepinggan itu sunnah.. cium pipi dan dahi parents itu dapat pahala, besar ganjarannya.. tapi pabila menyesal yang menyusul selepas itu.. apakah yang tinggal? tidak, saya tak kata pahala akan ditarik balik.. tidak sama sekali hal itu akan berlaku.. tapi cuba bayangkan perasaan yang telah pergi..

si suami: pertama kali saya merasa makan sepinggan dgn ahli keluarga saya.. wahh nikmat skali.. terasa hubungan kami sgt rapat.. seolah2 kami berada dlm dunia kami sendiri..

si anak: dah lama x cium pipi ngan dahi mama n papa, sayang sgt mama n papa.. naseb baik la sempat ckp hari tu.. kalau tak, pasti saya akan menyesal sampai bila2..

tapi apa yang 'mereka' khabarkan?

Berkongsi makan sepinggan bersama suami dan anak-anak buat pertama kali seolah-olah menjadi petanda Lans Koperal Rohana Ahmad, 26, akan kehilangan orang yang disayanginya.

inikah cara org malaysia berfikir skrg? siapakah yg memulakan pemikiran sebegitu? cuba tenung dlm diri kita.. tak usah menunding jari ke arah org lain.. cuba buka cara berfikir kita sendiri.. cuba fikir dari sudut lain.. adakah kita akan terkongkong dalam cara pemikiran sebegitu? adakah kita akan terikat, dirantai oleh pemikiran yang boleh saya katakan sempit dan kolot itu?

kalau saya seorang yg berfikiran terbuka tapi org lain masih di takuk lama.. tak guna jugak kan..

ya betul, tapi biarlah kita yang membentuk masyarakat bukannya masyarakat yang membentuk kita.. =D so ape kate anda? sudi berubah? ataupun anda sudah berada di zon selamat anda? comfort zone? selesakah anda? hehe.. it wont cost u a cent to think for a second..

daa.. mata ne~!(see ya next time~!)

Manusia zaman sekarang~!

Salamz..

Kenape mak nyah tidak dibantu?

Sebelum anda terus membaca entry ini, sila layari berita di atas.. hehe saje nk promote bace berite semase.. pagi2 masuk opis.. 'on' computer.. duduk.. lepaskan mengah dulu.. baru start bukak ape yg patut.. hehe biase la.. rutin hari2 bekerja.. =P then bukak laman utusan n berite harian.. pastu opismate panggil brekpes.. biase la.. pekena capati mamak bestari pepagi kalo sempat.. wpon dah pukul 930 time tu.. (masuk opis kol 930am) brekpes penting utk kehidupan seharian.. hehehe (saje je jek:P)

lepas penuh perut isi ngan capati n secawan nescafe tarik.. masuk opis n start buat keje.. sambil2 buat keje.. bace la paper hari ni.. mate tertibe menjurus (mmg kene berguru balik ngan mak aku nih.. bahase melayu hancuss) ke arah satu tajuk berite yg aku anggap menarik.. (mayb sesetgh org perasan dah tukar penggunaan kata diri.. dari saye kpd aku.. hehe ntah la.. sbb pembace blog ni pon dah mcm2 haha..) tajuk berite tu adalah spt di atas..

pelik kan? mebi sesetgh org kate x pelik.. sbb tu adalah salah satu care sesetgh org pk utk menyelesaikan masalah yg berkaitan.. huhu tapi sbenarnye.. cube fikir kejap.. ke manekah bende ni tuju? ni bukan nk fire sesiape tapi cueb kite fikir dari sudut pndgan lain.. nanti tidak lama lagi, akan ade community yg memperagungkan mereka (skrg dah ade community ini tp masih secara tidak terang-terangan.. mungkin sestgh akan mengatakan bahawa sudah nature diorg mcm tu.. tapi betul ke tu nature diorg.. nature kite sudah ditetapkan dan kite sendiri yang decide adakah akan menerima nature itu ataupun cuba menukarnye.. sepatutnye pihak yang terlibat memikirkan cara bagaimana hendak memperbetulkan balik apa yang tersempang.. bukannye menerima yang tidak betul dan cuba memperbetulkan persepsi org lain terhadap bende yang kita 'rasa' betul.. hahhahhaa.. xmo lak org kate emo lelebih.. :P

nway.. ni lah salah satu care pemikiran diri yg baru sbelah kaki menjejak dunia nyata.. mata pon baru bukak separuh.. mungkin org kate naive.. mungkin org kate emo.. tp bg aku sume tu perlu utk sampai ke arah cara pk yg sepatutnye n kematangan akal.. betol x? mane ade org yg berkepompong dlm dunie sndr pastu kate dier sudah matang akal n pemikiran.. itu name nye egoist n narcissist (excessive self-love)..

hehe.. serius ek entry ni? well.. i'm not kind of person yg suke tulih diary.. i like to show what i believe in and what i see in psychological way.. but i dont like ppl who just follow the majority way of thinking.. that's not unique.. (if everyone is unique then they are not unique anymore.. hehe) oklahh.. kalo ade sesape nk cdgkan saye buat entry psl something.. or nk tnye saye pendpt psl something (i'm not a notorious person or someone that general ppl should listen to.. tapi aku suke bertukar pendpt psl care pemikiran psl sesuatu bende.. hehe)

oklah.. (dah la wat entry ni kat opis.. mentang2 la bosses xdek..sukati jek) see u next time.. hehe (sori dah laem x update blog.. byk je bende berlaku tp masa tidak mengizinkan.. isk salahkan mase lak.. sbenarnye saye yg tidak mengizinkan mase.. hmm?? ape2 lah.. hehe)

bye mata ne~! see ya next time~!
wassalam..~!

I'm the lucky one~!

Salaamz~!

i dont have that much free time to update my blog.. but there's someone that i want to show her my greatest appreciation.. mama, i know that i'm not a good daughter.. but truly u're my greatest treasure.. love u, mama~!

I'm the lucky one~! by Anuar Zain

Ku persembahkan satu cita ku..
Setulus hati hanyalah untukmu
dan ku lakukan semampu aku tuk menyayangimu
hingga kau merasa jadi pujaan ku
meski bercinta kadang tak indah
tapi tuk buktikan kau yg terindah
dan kupastikan..i'm the lucky one..
nikmati cinta lebih dari segalanya....

jiwaku ini yg tak tersentuh
kini terasa sejak bersamammu
berikan hangat hinggaku x mampu berjauh drmu
kerna kau yg bisa buatku bahagia

meski bercinta kadang tak indah
tp tuk buktikan kau yg terindah
dan ku pastikan i'm the lucky one
nikmati cinta lebih dari segalanya

caramu membuatku x berdaya
hatiku pun ribut terjaga
kau ubah hidupku ini jadi sempurna

meski bercinta kadang tak indah
tp tuk buktikan kau yg terindah
dan ku pastikan i'm the lucky one
nikmati cinta lebih dari segalanya

What about now?

Shadows fill an empty heart
As love is fading,
From all the things that we are
But are not saying.
Can we see beyond the scars
And make it to the dawn?

Change the colors of the sky.
And open up to
The ways you made me feel alive,
The ways I loved you.
For all the things that never died,
To make it through the night,
Love will find you.

What about now?
What about today?
What if you're making me all that I was meant to be?
What if our love never went away?
What if it's lost behind words we could never find?
Baby, before it's too late,
What about now?

The sun is breaking in your eyes
To start a new day.
This broken heart can still survive
With a touch of your grace.
Shadows fade into the light.
I am by your side,
Where love will find you.

What about now?
What about today?
What if you're making me all that I was meant to be?
What if our love, it never went away?
What if it's lost behind words we could never find?
Baby, before it's too late,
What about now?

Now that we're here,
Now that we've come this far,
Just hold on.
There is nothing to fear,
For I am right beside you.
For all my life,
I am yours.

What about now?
What about today?
What if you're making me all that I was meant to be?
What if our love never went away?
What if it's lost behind words we could never find?

What about now?
What about today?
What if you're making me all that I was meant to be?
What if our love never went away?
What if it's lost behind words we could never find?
Baby, before it's too late,
Baby, before it's too late,
Baby, before it's too late,
What about now?

 Hi~! yeah.. it's been a long time.. 5 months.. sorry! nah~! i dont wanna ask for forgiveness.. y? i dont know.. really~ i dont know.. i've been straining myself from writing here... why? well, u can say my heart was broken.. 

for those who know what happened to me 5 months ago.. i know that you feel like u dont know me anymore.. but i'm not strong.. u guys keep telling me to face the problems.. but i'm not that strong.. all i can do is take a small step one by one..  to you mayb it is a really small step.. but for me, it took a lot more.. please dont expect ppl are like you.. i dont wanna blame you that i've becoming like this.. but here i am, the result from what happened.. (yeah, exactly sounds like i'm blaming you guys~ sorry!) 

i dont wanna let my efforts wasted like this.. but to pick up what've left.. it's not gonna b the same.. mayb i sounds like i feel like i'm the pitiful one here.. n seems like i dont care about you at all.. but this is me, result from what happened.. 

i'm still searching~.. searching for a brave me, useful and honest... i'm not going to ask you to trust me anymore.. it hurts you n me.. but it's not like i want this to happen.. however, as you guys always say.. maybe this is the best for me.. 

Setiap kali - Devotees

Setiap kali mendapat nikmat
jarang kusedari itu pemberian-Mu
terkadang rasa itu kerana
segala usaha dan penat lelahku sahaja

setiap kali ditimpa musibah
kumengeluh risau bertambah gelisah
hingga terlupa pada-Mu Allah
tempat kembali segala masalah

oh Tuhan Yang Maha Penyayang (...maha penyayang..)
leraikanlah aku dari keluh kesah (..uuu..)
yang membelenggu jiwa dan fikiran (..dan fikiran...)
ditambah dengan hasutan syaitan (..uuu..., haaa)

kurniakanlah kepadaku ketabahan (..ketabahan..)
singkapkanku hikmah segala ketentuan (..uu…)
Moga sinar-Mu berikanku pedoman (…pedoman..)
Hanya pada-Mu segala ketetapan (…haa…)

(backup)
oh tuhan yang maha penyayang
leraikanlah aku dari keluh kesah
yang membelenggu jiwa dan fikiran
ditambah dengan hasutan syaitan
durjana yang sentiasa mengarahku
kepada kemurkaanmu
kurniakanlah kepadaku ketabahan
tunjukkan ku hikmah segala ketentuan
Moga sinar-Mu berikanku pedoman
Hanya pada-Mu segala ketetapan
Ya Allah kau redhailah diri ini


seandainya diri ini
mampu meraih cinta keredhaan-Mu
seandainya akulah insan yang terpilih
pimpini hidupku

change of mood..

ermm... if you notice, i've just changed my music playlist.. well.. the songs in there are the songs that i'm currently listening to.. really like those songs in there.. hope you like them, too.. hihi enjoy the songs and don't forget to take 'pengajaran' from those songs k.. hihi

uhibbukunna fillah..

wassalam

i don't know

Where's the edge of the world? I feel like running toward the end of the world.. I've never cried this hard before.. yup.. hahaa hari ini dalam sejarah.. well, i just want keep a written history about 2day.. as i said b4.. one of my hard-work results was out 2day.. it took me more than 24 hours to gather up courage to open the result.. and i put a lot of effort into it.. well.. it's not that i blame qadar about this.. but now i dont know what to do anymore.. if i'm not in my final year, i know that i still have some chances.. but now? what should i do? what do i have to do?

i still feel the headache from crying so hard just now, but i've calmed down.. thinking hard what should i do.. but i really don't know.. nor i have anyone to pour out all these frustration.. i'm begging to Allah SWT everyday but i restrained myself.. because i'm afraid. afraid of going overboard.. i dont know.. this feeling of dont know really.. huhuhu =((

wassalam

Cuak..

One of my hard-work result was out yesterday.. this you can say that determine my study here.. till now i can't find the courage to open it.. it is just a click away.. waaaaaaaaaaa do you ever feel like that? whenever i think about it, my whole body starts aching.. i feel the pain like i think my fingernails are being pulled out.. i cant even feel what's in my mouth.. i dont even know what my expression is.. feel like my heartbeats are beating uncontrollable..
i want to know.. i dont want to know.. really, ignorance is a bliss.. i want to know.. i dont want to know.. i have to know.. i need to know but i'm scared.. i know that it's all been written.. and the ink is already dried up.. but.. i dont know anymore.. huhu Yana said that there's nothing that we can do.. the result is already out and all we have to do is look and believe it.. waaaaaaaaaa i dont know anymore.. waaaaaaaaaaa =((

what should i do? should i just open it? or should i just wait till my emaan is at the peak? yeah.. i'm such a weak person.. i even dont have the courage to see what's in front of me.. huhuhuuu

Ya Allah Ya Rabbal 'alamin.. please give me courage..

sometimes, i feel like i want to run away from reality.. but that's weak.. i want to become strong.. if i look back my life so far.. u can say that i got whatever i want.. my education is not so bad so far.. but now, i think this time i have to face His test in education.. waaaaaaaaa what should i do? yeah.. i think i've been living in a box.. afraid to face what's outside.. huhuu.. i guess i'll open the result after i pray dhuhr.. huhu

wslm

One of my fav songs

Salam..

Hui hui hui every1.. here is one of my fav songs.. i only play this song when i feel so melancholic.. hahahaaa.. reminding about these a few days that i got left to be with every1 i love here.. i might never see every1 that i love after this.. this thought makes me feel that i'm really alone.. i cant think of any other friends that i have.. well there're a lot to count actually.. it's just i'm not that confident to contact them.. hahahhaa well enjoy the song..





So I'm going to go see you right now, that's what I've decided
I want to have you listen to this song, that I have in my pocket

Quietly, I turned up the volume, to make sure that it was there

Oh good-bye days, right now I've got the feeling that things are going to change; so long to everything up until yesterday
An uncool kindness is at my side
~With you

I pass one ear phone over to you
And this moment slowly streams over to you

Can you really love me? Even though I sometimes lose my way

Oh good-bye days, right now things inside my heart have begun to change, alright
An uncool kindness is at my side
~With you

If possible, I'd like to not have sad feelings
But they'll come to me, won't they?
In those times, it would be good, if only I could say
"Yeah, hello! My friend", with a smile

When we both are humming the same song, I wish for you to be by my side
I'm glad that we were able to meet each other, with such an uncool kindness

... Good-bye days

Friends..

Just now, we had a small (?) party for Husna, Ecot, Tiah and Inayah.. their birthdays are in this month (seldom get celebrated because the month of exam hahah) it's quite havoc..

when i looked at their faces.. I had this feeling.. feeling of 'ah! this is my friends' .. you know that we are always alone.. (alone and lonely is different =P) in the road of our life.. we'll stumble upon some people that we claim them as our friends.. but we'd never know.. we might never met them after this.. as i was thinking like this, i cherished the moment.. the moment that i might never see them after this.. 'eh! mayb i can get friends like them when i go back to malaysia'.. this kind of thought always being played in my head.. but i can't imagine the moment without my current friends' faces.. i just don't know.. because i don't know the future..

there are a few of them that i get to see them every day.. but sometimes i notice that i've place some kind of boundaries between us.. there are a few that i see them everyday but i feel so inferior because they know my weaknesses.. there are a few that i can't see them every day but get really close when we meet.. but i've never tried to contact them when i can't meet them.. there are a few that i really want to meet them although i dont have free time at that time.. but because of i'm afraid that i might become nuisance to others so i refrain myself.. there are a few who look like they really respect me but i feel really depressed about it because i know that i don't deserve their respect.. one day, someone said to me that i'm nice to everyone and it was easy to befriend with me.. and also i dont need to put a lot of effort to get a lot of friends and attention.. hahaa.. i just laughed at that time.. but in my heart, i was crying.. i dont know why.. mayb because i've put a lot of efforts but others can't see them.. it seems wasted.. but it doesnt..

i only have 2 months to collect as much as possible memories in this circle.. i dont know if i'll meet people like them in the future.. i dont dare to think and every night i beg Allah SWT.. i've lose my confidence.. it all has been flushed down to the drain since that incident.. i dont even want to remember it.. it's not only painful but also leaves a scar.. that's why i said i'm fine without friends.. hahahhaa i guess i'm really lonely..

i wanna start anew.. i've so many plans... but.. i dont dare to plan to get many friends... because i'm the worst friend.. i'm scared..

wslm

life changing

haiyaaaa!!! we meet again! ^_^ hahahhaaa.. bukn face-to-face pon.. yesterday I applied for a job.. ermm it's about programming.. and i really like it a lot.. i mean yeahh coz I met the job requirement.. hihi.. ermm recently i'm reading a novel.. an english novel.. titled sophie's world.. you can say the novel is a beginner's manual about philosophy.. ok back to the job.. b4 i can get short-listed to job-seekers who can apply for the job, there's something that i ahve to do, which is answering a question beforehand.. and the question is "why do you want to work in our company?" well.. it's very simple and general question but i spent almost half an hour thinking what to answer.. yeah.. of course i dont know about the company so i cant say that "I think i can contribute a lot in your company because blah blah blah.." i never heard this company before.. and this is the first time i heard about this company and it's in the job-seeker's site... hahhahaa also i dont want to write something that i will forget about it later.. mayb it's something that will determine whether i will get the job or not.. or mayb it's something that will make people laugh at me.. yeah of course.. i'm applying to be a programmer.. not a lecturer or a philosopher.. there's a big gap.. people said that just write something that will please the reader but for me.. nope.. at least let it be something that about your true self.. mayb it sounds like lame or out-dated or naive.. but a single and small step may change your life forever.. recently i faced it... mayb we think that "owh, it's just a simple and insignificant decision, it wont affect my life.. " but later you will say "why didnt i take the other option? it's just a simple desicion.. blah blah.." yeah.. you will regret it.. ah no! i'm not saying that we should stop making a simple decision and lets keep worrying about the decision that we have to make.. no.. i'm just saying that if we make fun of/take things lightly about making a decision that may seems small and simple.. it will comes back to us.. hahahahaaa... okeh jauh benor.. saye nk tulih psl job td tu.. ok back to the job earlier.. then i wrote about a relationship between employee and employer.. oppss.. bukn yg mcm dlm drama tu.. ermm what i mean is.. between employer/company and employee, there's something we call trust.. the company trust their employee with the job or works which have the company's little (?) secret and in return, the employee can trust their company to take care of them.. then blah blah (i wrote in there la) at last i said (i mean wrote) i believe that i can trust the company to the point that i want to work in their company... haha it's very simple.. well it's not that i already got the job.. hihi.. if i get the job, i'll let you know k! ^_^

yesterday, i went to plattfield for a lil' jogging.. well this is for the first time haha.. yeah betul.. coz i just walked in plattfield before.. wahh.. haha.. really feel refreshed.. but i saw something i should see yesterday.. haahahaa lets not talk about it.. i feel 'tercemar'.. haha i want to go jogging like that again.. mayb 2day but when i remember about yesterday.. huhu.. hahahaa.. oklaahh.. ermm gonna continue my work.. hihi.. see ya next time =P
wassalam

With awareness, there is bitterness

With or without we realize, we're some kind of worst human of all. Why? Because we are not consistent in what we are doing. When the season comes, we go with it and when the season is gone our passionate also gone with the wind. Who decide the season? Human. We care less for the minor stuff like fashion, artist, art, culture etc etc. But as for our brotherhood? Why can't we be honest with ourselves? I'm also among those worst people. In my browser's bookmarks, there's a site that I can count with my finger how many times I open the site this month. When I realize it, I feel really bad and regret it a lot. When people are talking about Palestine, we busy ourselves with reading all those info and latest news about Palestine but when the the season cold (or cool? =P i think it's the same unliterally) down, we also cold down with the season. Why? Is it because of the feeling of wanting to show off that we care for our brothers and sisters that we take notice about them? What are our real intention really? I am not that good to preach people about what we should do or what should we avoid. We always hear people around us say (mayb that including us.. who knows) that we are not that good to tell others to do good deeds and leave what are haram for us to do, so we decide to live a life that simpler and common. What should we say to them? Should we leave it like that? Or should we meddle around with their life and future?

I've said this many times before. Human, all are selfish. Why? Because we are alone. We are alone in the life hereafter. People won't care about us or we don't have time/'power' to care about others. So what's the point of meddling around with others life and future? But

"Wahai orang-orang yang beriman, jika kamu menolong (agama) Allah, nescaya Dia menolong kamu dan menetapkan tapak kakimu" 47:7

Allah said this in al-Quran. Allah doesn't want the result, He wants the process. He knows the result and we should care less about the result because it's already written and the ink's already dried up. The philosophers since 500 B.M have been discussing about death and life but none of them can be so sure about their theories. Because none of them have been dead and revived. So they can't tell what is life and what is death. It's possible that we die within these a few seconds. Allah can do it. It's logic, we don't need scientific explanation. But what matter is what will happen after we died. Just like the story of Cinderella. We heard the story when she had to go through all the sad things just to be together with the prince and it was (or should i say 'is'? people still believe it and don't want to let it go) a happy ending. But who could guess what happen after their marriage? Is there any story about it? Can the king and queen accept her? Can Cinderella and the prince adapt their life to each other? We can't be sure. Why? Because they're still alive. Live in our belief. So where should we face our trust and belief? We all know the answer. The philosophers said that to all the questions, actually we already know the answer, thats why the questions exist. Lets think by ourselves. Do you ever heard that thinking also counted as an ibadah to Allah SWT? Yup. Hehe.

Maybe the flow of my blog entries is quite messed up, but I want to write about what we are thinking everyday. We aren't thinking in flow, am i right? Lets be someone who is better than yesterday =P

We surely don't know what's in others life, if we don't open our eyes toward others. Well, we can't say for sure that we understand them either. There's a guy that his life is very simple. Go to school, study, laugh with his friends, sometimes meet new friends then go back home. Have lunch and list goes on and on.. But one thing we never knew that we didn't realize that we threw a stone. We'd never knew that our action or our words or maybe our thinking may affect other's life. Maybe for us, it's something that very simple and it doesn't really matter to us but who knows that it may change his/her life. OK back to that simple guy's story. One day, that guy (okeh let's name him si A) saw his friend is being bullied (let's call his friend as si B). Then he as a very simple guy and still green in knowledge of social behavior, simply protected si B. Although he one who bullied si B has very high status in the society but si A didn't care about it. Then the bad guy's father went to see si A's guardians saying that si B did something wrong to his son. Although we know who is right and who is wrong but sometimes, that's the reality now. Status really have it their way. Si B asked si A to say nothing when they're confronted. But at last, si A can't keep quite about it and said that he is the one who did 'bad thing' to the mr. high status's son. Si A was punished but very severe because they actually know who is right and who is wrong but it was just unwritten law that never go against someone who has higher status than yours. To si A, it's simply something that he has to take for himself because of his act and it has nothing to do with others or si B. But for si B, it's an event.. a very important event in his life. When you throw a stone int a pond, you will see the surface of the water will change, not as calm as before. That's something that we can see, but in humans heart? We can't see it. Then, when si B scolded si A because standing up for him (si A), si A's guardian said that "see, you just throw another stone".. because si B has never care about his friends before but the scolding is a proof of
you care about other people, right?

You never know how big the riddle will be, nor you know the shape of the riddle in someone's heart. Knowing that, do you feel that you want to throw lots if stone everyday? Well, I dont know yours, but what i know for sure is who i am today is the result of thousands, millions if stne threw by others.

Wisest is someone who knows that he/she doesn't know

I can't agree more than this.
OK, lets stop for now, altho this is rather long entry.. hihi see ya
wassalam

throw away sad feeling

Someone asked me to add her into the list of ppl who are allowed to read my blog (let's call it the circle of my blog reader =P) well i'm glad tho.. coz i thought there's no one that i know or know me that read my blog.. it's just lame.. uncool.. stupid.. whatsoever.. hahahaa
I'm gonna leave my sad feeling behind.. i dont know.. mayb it is the best solution for me.. i can laugh it off.. i can brush it away.. but i didnt know that betrayal really leave me wounded.. really big and deep scar.. opss sori sori.. ok ok.. let leave it behind..

My revolution now is i'm going to read at least a book per week.. n this week book is about patient according to our beloved al-Quran.. i just reached the middle part.. well.. other than my course book.. i've never finished reading an english book except the one for children (ermm story book i mean.. haha) so it's kind of hard and amazing.. hahahhhhaa.. the book is about how the faithful ppl deal with everyday life through the patient and the comparison to the unbelievers.. well it really shocks me.. because all this while i thought i have at least a bit of the patient that al-Quran said.. but then it's not a bit the same.. i feel ashamed to Allah and myself.. hahhahha as ppl said nowadays.. shok sendiri.. =P before i read the book i thought.. owh this is just gonna be a reminder for myself.. when u said reminder.. then it must be something that i'd already heard about it.. but believe me.. when you read the book when u're in trouble.. automatically u will compare what the book said and what happened to you.. and believe me.. you will say that you are among the unbelievers.. because the characteristics of the faithfuls is just far from us.. believe me.. read the book.. from you believe that you have the patient as said in the al-Quran.. you find you are trying to practice the patient from scratch.. ermm wait.. i'm gonna find the book and write the title.. "the importance of patience in the Quran" by Harun Yahya.. it's just a thin book with about 93 pages.. someone gave it to me.. may Allah reward her/them..

oklah.. i feel somewhat refreshed after write something here.. altho i dont know whether this will be useful.. i'm not gonna erase/delete my jahiliyyah entries.. because i believe that all of the entries are me.. i'm the one who wrote them.. mayb you can't believe it when you read about something that you thought that's not me at first.. but i want to change.. only Allah know if i've changed or not.. what's that matter is the effort.. not the result, am i right? hehe.. may the best be bestowed upon you and do ur best in whatever you do..

wassalam

Since I blocked any entering into this blog, I've been writing bad and sad things.. I wonder why? mindset kot.. and i need someone yg bulih keep my secret and saye bulih percaye sepenuh hati.. yup.. saye xdek org mcm tu.. my head's been weighing all the hardships and sadnesses to the point that i cant see the fact that committing suicide is a bad thing.. why? why i feel like this? I feel that if i die, i can be free from all the problems and troubles.. no!!

i want someone who i can tell her everything that i cant bear.. i want someone that will say everything will be fine.. i want someone to say to me that she will always be there for me.. i want her hand to caress my hair and let me cry my heart out.. i've always been a bad muslim.. i forget about Him and when my problems piled up, i regret being in this thariq.. yup.. i'm a bad muslim..
dr pg td i feel so lost to study.. even to reply emel from company.. then my housemate ask me to join her in our usual dinner as she wanted to go somewhere else.. but i said it is too early so she asked me to wait for her at 8pm to eat together... but not too long after she went out.. my another housemate invite me, but i said that we are supposed to eat at 8pm, as we promised our housemate, but she said she wants to go out.. so she siad she will eat first.. the b4 8pm, she was already at home.. so i asked her but... nah it's nothing special.. but one thing i learned today.. to us, there's rule that unconsciously created.. there's no such thing as 'our' mad'u.. my mad'u is mine alone and dont touch..
hahahha dgn ilmu saye yg kecik dan pendek ni.. mmg saye x layak nk nasihatkan dier.. and there're no dose n pahale dlm ijtihad dakwah.. as long as our destination is Allah Swt alone.. but why? why such respond? adekah sbb saye jeles sbb dier ade someone yg dier bulih adu.. yg dier akan pegi cite sume bende.. sume bende baik n jahat.. saye kalo gaduh ngan org, saye akan cepat lupe.. sbb saye tau saye byk salah ngan org.. tp kenape gaduh yg satu hari itu saye x leh lupe.. kenape? adekah sbb keburukan n keaiban saye terbuke luas? adekah kerana dier 'sakit' tp punya doktor, manakala saye sakit, saye tiada doktor?

ahh saye sudah penat mengeluh mengenangkan nasib hidup saye.. haha.. bagaimanakah takdir hidup saye? miserable kah? bagaimana pula dgn pengakhiran hidup saye?
jwpnnye: wallahua'lam

The lowest moment in my life

Assalamualaikum wrt..

I cant count how many times i sighed today.. ermm it's not only today.. people said we can write anything we want in our own blog.. so 2day i want to let out some steam.. (literally too.. hihi terase telinge makin panas) i think now is the moment when my emaan is below the normal area.. i can feel it.. even i think there was no berkat for me 2day.. when u feel that you've been doing nothing but the time flew really fast.. then it's one of the signs that no berkat in ur action for that day..

I really envy one of my friends, she can say anything she wants in her blog and dont bother with others.. well many will say that it's not necessarily a good thing.. well for me, it's one thing that i want.. i'm too conscious about others around me.. even to ask for help, i cant say it.. to correct any misunderstanding, far from open my mouth.. and i end up hurting them more everytime i say anything.. *sigh* ~no it's not good to sigh.. but i cant keep it any longer.. i dont have anyone... and people always say, when u're facing trouble (mehnah), anything.. go to Allah SWT.. but i'm too sinful.. i've done so many things that even people will surprise upon hearing what i've done.. but there's an ayaat, saying that people who dont turn up to Allah WT, dont ask for help, dont ask for anything.. they're the 'sombong'est people (i cant find a better word coz i think sombong is the most suitable word) it makes my nose running sometimes.. but when things became worse.. i cant help but thinking that i'm too helpless.. i cant be forgiven.. thats why i'm still like this.. but deep down i know.. i'm the one who should running to Allah SWT..

i opened my door.. went downstair and tried looking for people... i needed someone's warmth, physically.. but i couldnt knock on the door.. coz i know i've been a nuisance to others.. i went to the kitchen.. i found someone.. u know how relief i was at that time.. but.. there was not even a smile on her face.. how can i say anything to her.. my mood just went a step down..

i really dont have others.. this is my closest relationship.. i'm not even this close with my coursemates, my family.. it's because i have short-termed memory lost? i cant help it.. i dont even want this.. so when i need someone.. it's not i cant go to her.. i dont have any.. i'm not trying to collect sympathy from others.. but i dont have anyone to tell.. to cry on her shoulder.. to let her give a little hug to me.. ah! i dont want to continue anymore..


now i looked back in my life.. it really sucks.. =((

Something around you~

Assalamualaikum wrt..

Just now i suddenly have an urge to open my friendster page, and i did. With the song 'Sunnah orang berjuang' from Hijjaz, i checked my sibling's friendster. To say that i'm immune to the reality in Malaysia, that's not even close and i'm grateful for that. Because if i'm really immune to the reality then the ghazwul fikr is successful.

While looking at the pictures, i compared my life with theirs. Yup! I'm not being fair. But it makes me think back why i'm doing this. If i live my life like theirs, then i can be 'happy' like them. Urghhh!! Suddenly i dont have 'the heart' to write about this. It's not that i dont want to. But i dont ppl to think that i'm just stating a list of excuses to why i became like this. Yesterday, my friends said something like their friends feel like they're being used. In my inner-self, i dont know why, but i pity them. Why? Well, at first before i knew this path, i befriended with everyone regardless of what intention i or they have. Be because of study, or because of i was in the same class before or whatever. And after i'm in this path, i see everything as what Allah wants me to do. So, to my friends before, i just cant switch my intention just like that. And i'm supposed to do that, but i'm not. Yup! I'm being disobedient to the extent that i cant say anything to my usrati. =((

Well, i have to go now. I'm having usrah perdana, held by MCOT at McDougle. Please pray that Allah always with us, inchaAllah.

wslm wrt

Sound of the night

Assalamualaikum wrt..

Just to let you know that, i've changed (just now hihi) the song playlist. Hahahaaa.. the songs (i mean in the new playlist) adalah lagu2 yang saye baru jumpe and baru suke hihi.. well, enjoy and if u have any request.. just let me know k.. hihi..

wslm wrt