Since I blocked any entering into this blog, I've been writing bad and sad things.. I wonder why? mindset kot.. and i need someone yg bulih keep my secret and saye bulih percaye sepenuh hati.. yup.. saye xdek org mcm tu.. my head's been weighing all the hardships and sadnesses to the point that i cant see the fact that committing suicide is a bad thing.. why? why i feel like this? I feel that if i die, i can be free from all the problems and troubles.. no!!

i want someone who i can tell her everything that i cant bear.. i want someone that will say everything will be fine.. i want someone to say to me that she will always be there for me.. i want her hand to caress my hair and let me cry my heart out.. i've always been a bad muslim.. i forget about Him and when my problems piled up, i regret being in this thariq.. yup.. i'm a bad muslim..
dr pg td i feel so lost to study.. even to reply emel from company.. then my housemate ask me to join her in our usual dinner as she wanted to go somewhere else.. but i said it is too early so she asked me to wait for her at 8pm to eat together... but not too long after she went out.. my another housemate invite me, but i said that we are supposed to eat at 8pm, as we promised our housemate, but she said she wants to go out.. so she siad she will eat first.. the b4 8pm, she was already at home.. so i asked her but... nah it's nothing special.. but one thing i learned today.. to us, there's rule that unconsciously created.. there's no such thing as 'our' mad'u.. my mad'u is mine alone and dont touch..
hahahha dgn ilmu saye yg kecik dan pendek ni.. mmg saye x layak nk nasihatkan dier.. and there're no dose n pahale dlm ijtihad dakwah.. as long as our destination is Allah Swt alone.. but why? why such respond? adekah sbb saye jeles sbb dier ade someone yg dier bulih adu.. yg dier akan pegi cite sume bende.. sume bende baik n jahat.. saye kalo gaduh ngan org, saye akan cepat lupe.. sbb saye tau saye byk salah ngan org.. tp kenape gaduh yg satu hari itu saye x leh lupe.. kenape? adekah sbb keburukan n keaiban saye terbuke luas? adekah kerana dier 'sakit' tp punya doktor, manakala saye sakit, saye tiada doktor?

ahh saye sudah penat mengeluh mengenangkan nasib hidup saye.. haha.. bagaimanakah takdir hidup saye? miserable kah? bagaimana pula dgn pengakhiran hidup saye?
jwpnnye: wallahua'lam

The lowest moment in my life

Assalamualaikum wrt..

I cant count how many times i sighed today.. ermm it's not only today.. people said we can write anything we want in our own blog.. so 2day i want to let out some steam.. (literally too.. hihi terase telinge makin panas) i think now is the moment when my emaan is below the normal area.. i can feel it.. even i think there was no berkat for me 2day.. when u feel that you've been doing nothing but the time flew really fast.. then it's one of the signs that no berkat in ur action for that day..

I really envy one of my friends, she can say anything she wants in her blog and dont bother with others.. well many will say that it's not necessarily a good thing.. well for me, it's one thing that i want.. i'm too conscious about others around me.. even to ask for help, i cant say it.. to correct any misunderstanding, far from open my mouth.. and i end up hurting them more everytime i say anything.. *sigh* ~no it's not good to sigh.. but i cant keep it any longer.. i dont have anyone... and people always say, when u're facing trouble (mehnah), anything.. go to Allah SWT.. but i'm too sinful.. i've done so many things that even people will surprise upon hearing what i've done.. but there's an ayaat, saying that people who dont turn up to Allah WT, dont ask for help, dont ask for anything.. they're the 'sombong'est people (i cant find a better word coz i think sombong is the most suitable word) it makes my nose running sometimes.. but when things became worse.. i cant help but thinking that i'm too helpless.. i cant be forgiven.. thats why i'm still like this.. but deep down i know.. i'm the one who should running to Allah SWT..

i opened my door.. went downstair and tried looking for people... i needed someone's warmth, physically.. but i couldnt knock on the door.. coz i know i've been a nuisance to others.. i went to the kitchen.. i found someone.. u know how relief i was at that time.. but.. there was not even a smile on her face.. how can i say anything to her.. my mood just went a step down..

i really dont have others.. this is my closest relationship.. i'm not even this close with my coursemates, my family.. it's because i have short-termed memory lost? i cant help it.. i dont even want this.. so when i need someone.. it's not i cant go to her.. i dont have any.. i'm not trying to collect sympathy from others.. but i dont have anyone to tell.. to cry on her shoulder.. to let her give a little hug to me.. ah! i dont want to continue anymore..


now i looked back in my life.. it really sucks.. =((