The lowest moment in my life

Assalamualaikum wrt..

I cant count how many times i sighed today.. ermm it's not only today.. people said we can write anything we want in our own blog.. so 2day i want to let out some steam.. (literally too.. hihi terase telinge makin panas) i think now is the moment when my emaan is below the normal area.. i can feel it.. even i think there was no berkat for me 2day.. when u feel that you've been doing nothing but the time flew really fast.. then it's one of the signs that no berkat in ur action for that day..

I really envy one of my friends, she can say anything she wants in her blog and dont bother with others.. well many will say that it's not necessarily a good thing.. well for me, it's one thing that i want.. i'm too conscious about others around me.. even to ask for help, i cant say it.. to correct any misunderstanding, far from open my mouth.. and i end up hurting them more everytime i say anything.. *sigh* ~no it's not good to sigh.. but i cant keep it any longer.. i dont have anyone... and people always say, when u're facing trouble (mehnah), anything.. go to Allah SWT.. but i'm too sinful.. i've done so many things that even people will surprise upon hearing what i've done.. but there's an ayaat, saying that people who dont turn up to Allah WT, dont ask for help, dont ask for anything.. they're the 'sombong'est people (i cant find a better word coz i think sombong is the most suitable word) it makes my nose running sometimes.. but when things became worse.. i cant help but thinking that i'm too helpless.. i cant be forgiven.. thats why i'm still like this.. but deep down i know.. i'm the one who should running to Allah SWT..

i opened my door.. went downstair and tried looking for people... i needed someone's warmth, physically.. but i couldnt knock on the door.. coz i know i've been a nuisance to others.. i went to the kitchen.. i found someone.. u know how relief i was at that time.. but.. there was not even a smile on her face.. how can i say anything to her.. my mood just went a step down..

i really dont have others.. this is my closest relationship.. i'm not even this close with my coursemates, my family.. it's because i have short-termed memory lost? i cant help it.. i dont even want this.. so when i need someone.. it's not i cant go to her.. i dont have any.. i'm not trying to collect sympathy from others.. but i dont have anyone to tell.. to cry on her shoulder.. to let her give a little hug to me.. ah! i dont want to continue anymore..


now i looked back in my life.. it really sucks.. =((